iReuben
by Lovin'Seddie
Summary: Oh boy. Reuben's back, and he's got his creepy little eyes set on Sam. Will she be able to get rid of him? Will she need someone's help? Hmm. Seddie!
1. Love Note

**This is gonna be very fun to write… *smiles evilly* Oh, how I miss the Reuben character. He needs to show up at least one more time before iCarly ends!**

**DISCLAIMER: I just wasted two of your most precious seconds.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Freddie's POV<strong>

I should've known from the start that this would spiral out of control, because even the simplest things in life seem to.

I should've known that I would get hurt, with Sam I _always _get hurt. But this time it was my heart that took the punch, not my arm or shoulder.

I've been trying to convince myself not to do this for days, but I have to. The secret is burning up inside of me, I have to tell _someone_. Might as well tell the girl the secret involves.

And what is this secret, you say? Only the fact that I'm in love with the girl who hates me. That's right I love Sam Puckett. How? I have no idea. I guess that it's her flowing golden curls, and her-

Snap out of it, Freddie! Ugh, this being in love thing is hard.

Today is Thursday, and Sam always goes to school early on Thursdays. WHAT? Sam goes to school _early?_ Yup. She goes at 7:30 instead of just showing up at 9:30. Thursday is fried chicken day at the cafeteria, so Sam sneaks in there to eat some.

If Sam is going to school early, then so am I. My plan is to catch her at her locker and tell her how I feel. That way I still have some time to go to the nurse in case she hurts me.

I walked into the quiet halls of Ridgeway; it was strange being the only one here. Wait, there goes Phil Clevis, but he always shows up an hour early to school to see if his teachers can give him the homework for the next couple of days. He's an even bigger try-hard then me!

I rounded the corner to my locker, and I saw a small figure sprint past me. What the hell was that? ! I shook my head and opened my locker, taking out the books I needed for today. It was already almost 7:40, where's Sam?

And she didn't show up until 8:00, along with Carly.

"Hey, Freddie."Carly greeted as she walked over to her locker.

"Hi," I murmured. I turned to Sam, who was spinning the lock on her locker. "Don't you always get here early on Thursdays?" Now when am I supposed to tell her how I feel?

Sam gave me a strange look. Oh great, I probably just sounded like a stalker! "Yeah, but I didn't feel like it today. Besides, Carly has fried chicken at her house." She told me as she opened her locker. All of a sudden, something fell out of it.

"What's this?" Sam mumbled, picking it up. It was an envelope with Sam scribbled on the front.

She opened it and scanned through the writing.

"What the hell?" Sam laughed. "This doesn't make any sense at all! Must be a prank."

"What does it say?" I asked.

Sam handed me the note and I read it. Huh? Wait a second, this sounds familiar…

"There's my raspberry soccerball!"

Oh shit. It's Reuben.

Reuben has sort of "disappeared" these past couple of years. There were rumors spreading that he was in a mental hospital or that he moved the Texas to raise cattle.

He still looks exactly the same. His voice isn't even deeper! At least _I_ developed.

I snapped back into reality when I heard Sam groan. "Reuben? Why the hell are you here? Wait… you wrote this letter, didn't you?" Sam asked, referring to the piece of paper I was holding.

Reuben smiled and nodded. No wonder I had no idea what the letter said, it was in Reubenese.

Gibby walked up. "Hey guys! Isn't it great that Rueben's back?"

Carly, Sam, and I just nodded weakly.

"I'm ready to pinch the starfish, if ya know what I'm saying!" Reuben exclaimed.

"Sweet!" Gibby cried, giving him a high five.

As Reuben walked off to class, Sam handed Gibby the letter. "What does this say?" She asked.

Just so you know, the letter said:

_My raspberry soccerball,_

_The turtles are singing with the peanut butter ice cream! I would like to tickle your feet with pasta. _

"It says, 'My girlfriend, I have finally returned! I would like to go on a date with you.'" Gibby announced.

"Gross, I am NOT his girlfriend!" Sam yelled.

I felt the little green monster start to churn in my stomach. It's just Reuben, there's nothing to be jealous of…

"Where has he been all these years, anyway?" Carly asked.

"His parents sent him to a mental hospital. They couldn't stand how he spoke his own language and they thought he was mentally insane. But none of the treatments worked, so they just decided to let him grow out of it." Gibby informed us.

Sam scoffed. "That kid is gonna need to go to a _real _hospital if he wants to go on a date with me!" With that, she stormed down the hallway towards her first class.

"Oh boy." Carly sighed. "This isn't going to turn out well."

Gibby shrugged. "Reuben will charm his way into it. Just watch."

_He better not._

Sam would never go on a date with Reuben… would she?

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><p><strong>AN: Hahaha, I love writing Reuben's character. I hope he sounds realistic. I'm not really happy with the way this turned out, but whatever.**

**And sorry this was so short, it's just the intro. **

**Oh, and I don't see this story being very long. Maybe 5 chapters at most? Just to let you guys know.**

**Review, or Reuben will come to your house and tickle your feet with pasta! xD**

**PS: I would appriciate it if you guys voted on the poll on my profile. :)**


	2. I'm With Stupid

***Waves awkwardly* Hi… sorry for not updating, my freshman year of year school is slowly coming to an end and I couldn't be more stressed out. :/**

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><p><strong>DISCLAIMER: Should I even bother?<strong>

**Chapter 2: Sam's POV**

Have you ever had an annoying fly follow you around all day, buzzing right near your ear? Reuben is exactly like that. Except maybe a billion times worse.

And the worst part is that he transferred into most of my classes, so there's nowhere to hide.

I'll give you a little sneak peak of my day…

Period 1: Chemistry

Reuben took the seat behind me. "You know, the pickled chemistry between us is setting off the bon fires!"

Period 3: Ceramics

Reuben sat at the table with me, Carly, and Fredbomb. "I'm gonna mold a heart for you to make the penguins tap dance!"

Period 4: Geometry

Reuben sat in front of me. "Me plus you is the square root of pie times the amount of snot in a whale!"

Period 5: English

Reuben sat next to me. "Maybe I should write a story about me, you, and the polar bear with the top hat!"

Period 7: Gym

Reuben stood next to me the whole period. "I'll protect you from the dodgeballs if you eat the cantaloupe!"

Period 9: Spanish

I couldn't even understand what he was saying, it sounded like a mixture of Spanish and Reubenense.

I was only safe from him periods 2, 6, and 8! THIS ISN'T FAIR!

As soon as the bell rang 9th period, I dashed out of the Spanish room, away from Reuben, and to my locker.

"Hey, Sam." Freddie greeted, who was already at his locker. My heart raced a little as he spoke. Why does he have to be so dang irresistible? !

"Hi, Fredbot." I quickly shoved my binders into my already messy locker.

He looked around. "Where's Reuben? He didn't follow you here, did he?"

"I don't think so… thank God!" I wasn't the only one mad at Reuben. Carly seemed annoyed with him, and Freddie looked even madder than _me_. Probably because Reuben was hanging out with his BFF Gibby, so Gibby had no time for him.

He sighed in relief. "Good… I wanna kill that kid sometimes!" He growled. "Anyways, I was wondering if I could tell you something…"

"What is it?" I asked.

He nervously fiddled with a loose thread from his polo. "Well, you see, um… I kinda-"

"THE SYRUP HAS FOUND THE PANCAKE!" Crap… it's him again. Wait, what was Freddie gonna say? ?

Reuben, followed by Gibby, came flailing over. I groaned and Freddie clenched his fists.

"Sam!" Reuben shouted.

"Reuben, I'm right in front of you, ya don't have to yell!"

"Oh, sorry. Anyways, my cake is whispering… will you tickle my feet with pasta?" He bounced up and down.

I turned to Gibby. "What the hell did he just say?"

"He said that he wants to go on a date with you," Gibby translated.

Ugh, that's gross! Wait… what did I say to get rid of him last time?

Oh yeah! "You've got ointment all over your bumbleberry!" I snarled at him.

He laughed. "You can make a bird moo louder than a chicken on Broadway!"

I looked at Gibby again. "He said that you're a good liar."

Gah! How hard is it gonna be to get rid of him?

"Look, Reuben, what's it gonna take to make you leave me alone?"

He stood and thought for a moment. "Well, my oven has a penguin in it, and it won't eat itself! Maybe if you eat the pasta and like it we can make it again? If not I'll sing to the lonely turtles in the gutter with hobos. And let's fly our foxes at the Cheescake Warehouse again!"

Gibby, apparently realizing that I would ask him to translate anyway, spoke up. "He said that he really really wants to go on a date with you. Maybe you could try one date with him, and if you like it you go again, and if not then he'll sing to lonely turtles in the gutter with hobos. Let's eat at the Cheesecake Warehouse again."

I sighed. "Fine, Reuben. One date. This Saturday at 8, and I'm meeting you 's it! Then you have to leave me alone forever!"

He raised his eyebrows seductively. "Unless you wanna make the pasta again…" He made a little purring noise and left. I don't even wanna know what that means!

Once they were safely out sight, Freddie let out a long breathe that he'd been holding in. "So, you're really gonna go through with this, huh?"

"Well, what other choice do I have?" I countered. "He'll never leave me alone if I don't go!"

"I guess," Freddie agreed. If I hadn't bolted out of school right after that to avoid Reuben, I would've noticed Freddie bang his fist on his locker and curse to himself.

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><p>Twenty minutes later I arrived at Carly's apartment, where I sprawled out on the couch with a Fatcake and the TV remote.<p>

Spencer came out of his room and noticed me occupying his couch (which he didn't find strange at all). "Hey Sam… where's Carly?"

I shrugged. "I had a rough day, so I kind of just ran over here. Her and Fredlumps should be here soon, though."

Spencer looked concerned. "What happened?" He poked my stomach. "C'mon, tell Spencie!"

"I don't wanna talk about it!" I yelled. Looking scared, he sprinted back to his room and I heard the lock on the door click.

Five minutes later, Carly and Freddie walked through the door. Carly dropped her backpack and scampered over to me. "Sam! Are you okay? Freddie told me what happened after school with Reuben."

"I don't wanna go to the Cheescake Warehouse with that nub!" I whined. "He's so annoying!"

"Well, at least you won't have to deal with him anymore when it's over!" Carly pointed out brightly.

I threw my Fatcake wrapper on the floor, which earned me a glare from Carly. "But Carls, it's gonna be so creepy being there by myself with him! At least last time you, Freddie, Gibby, and that other girl were there!"

Carly's face crinkled. "Ugh, that was terrible… remember when Gibby started dancing on the table?" We both shuddered.

Freddie, who had been quite this whole time, spoke up. "And that Shannon girl was creepy as hell… but I don't blame her for fledding the restaurant."

"Hey!" Carly exclaimed. "I have an idea!"

"What?" I asked eagerly. "Throwing Reuben off Bushwell Plaza? Feeding him poisoned food?"

"Sam!" Carly scolded. "I was gonna say that me and Freddie go too, except we hide at a table near yours. That way we can make sure that he doesn't try to kiss you or anything. Plus, you could say that your stomach hurts and that you have to go to the bathroom, then you can come hang out with us half the time! Or one of us could just so happen to bump into your table and offer to sit with you or something…"

No no no no! I don't like that idea at all! Carly and Freddie going would be like a date, and I do NOT want that to happen! But Carly genuinely looked like she wanted to help… ugh, whatever! But I'll keep an eye on those two.

"Okay, that sounds good," I lied to Carly.

"Great!" She smiled. "We'll meet you there at 8."

If I hadn't gone to sleep right after that, I would've noticed the deep scowl on Freddie's face.

I managed to survive school on Friday by cutting all the classes I had with Reuben and avoiding him after school. It wasn't easy, but I did it. And now it's Saturday, which usually makes me happy, but not today.

I have my date with Rueben at 8, and that's when Carly and Freddie are gonna go too. I know that they spent half of lunch discussing their plan of attack, like if they were gonna come sit with us or another table to be less suspicious. I bet Freddie's enjoying this way too much… anything to get him closer to Carly makes him happy. Why can't I make him happy?

At 7:30 I started to look for something to wear on the date. Then at 7:31 I realized that I didn't care what I looked like, so I put on jeans and a t-shirt that said "I'm With Stupid" and an arrow. I just have to make sure I sit on the left side of Reuben for the shirt to be effective.

Half an hour later I arrived at the Cheescake Warehouse. And the moment I did, Reuben came running over to me, dressed in a tuxedo. He looked like a freaking penguin!

"Hey Sam! Are you ready to spin the monkey in the wheelchair?" He asked excitedly. As much as I hate Gibby, I really should've brought him along so I could understand what this nub was saying.

"Yeah yeah, hi Reuben. Let's get this over with."

As a waiter brought us to a table, I made sure that it was one with 4 chairs in case Carly and Freddie came to sit with us. I made sure to sit on the left side of Reuben so my shirt pointed in his direction.

"So, what color rainbow will kill the tiger?" Reuben asked, looking at the menu.

I decided that it would be easier to just ignore him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw two brunettes walk inside. Carly and Freddie.

As a waitress guided them to their table, Carly met my eye and winked at me. They had a plan. And I also happened to notice that neither was dressed up like it was a date, which is a good sign.

After the waitress left their table, Freddie walked over and bumped into the side of our table. "Oh, hey guys! What a coincidence seeing you two here!" He waved Carly to come over.

"Hey guys!" Carly greeted. "Mind if we join you?" She asked, referring to the empty seats across from us.

"What a GREAT idea!" I smiled. They really were the best friends in the world.

However, Reuben didn't seem too happy about it. But who cares what he thinks?

For the next hour Carly, Freddie and I talked and laughed like we always did, while Reuben sat there glowering. Every so often he would try to cut his way into the conversation and put his arm around me, which earned him a slap from me and a glare from Freddie.

Then, the worst thing of the night happened. Right as our food was being served, Reuben grabbed my shoulders and _kissed _me! After not even a second I shoved him away, wiping at my now infected lips. Carly gasped and Freddie stood up with his fists clenched.

"REUBEN!" I screeched. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT! ?"

He looked nervous. "Because… I love you and you love me!"

"I don't love you!" I screamed, getting the whole restaurants attention.

Reuben gave me a small smile. "Yes you do! More than butter plays the drums!"

"Um…" I looked around desperately, my eyes landing on Freddie. "I can't love you because… because I love Freddie!"

**A/N: :D CLIFFHANGERS FTW!**

**You know what I find funny? That "Reuben" doesn't come out as a spelling mistake on Word, yet "Carly" does. Hahaha!**

**Did you notice how long this chapter was? :O I did it to make up for the wait!**

**Last chapter I got 20+ favorites/alerts, but only 5 reviews. I'd really appreciate it of you reviewed. :)**


	3. Carly's Scheme

**WOW! 19 reviews for the last chapter! THANK YOU GUYS, YOU'RE THE BEST! :D You have no idea how much I appreciate it!**

**Anyways, I'm getting REALLY impatient waiting for iLost My Mind… so writing fanfics is my only iCarly outlet :'( **

**I apologize for the wait, my parents have been on my back lately because I "spend too much time on the computer". :/**

***This is the last chapter… it wasn't meant to be a long story anyway, so sorry if it feels too soon!**

**DISCLAIMER: Je ne own pas iCarly.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: Sam's POV<strong>

"I can't love you because… because I love Freddie!"

Freddie, who was already standing, looked up in shock. Then he saw the desperate look in my eyes and realized that I just said that for an excuse not to like Reuben… even though it's 100% true, but he doesn't need to know that.

"Um, and I love Sam too!" Freddie announced, coming over to my side of the table and putting his arm around me.

Reuben's face quivered and he looked like a lost puppy. I feel bad, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. "How could you do this to me! My polar bear is shedding!" He cried, fleeing the restaurant. YES! HE'S GONE!

I sighed in relief and sat back down. Freddie awkwardly went back to his seat too.

Carly, however, didn't seem to be taking this lightly. "Wait, WHAT just happened! ?"

I rolled my eyes. "Relax, Carls, we're not _actually _in love! We were just pretending to get rid of Reuben." I explained, hoping that my face didn't give anything away.

She visibly relaxed. "You guys nearly gave me a heart attack!" She started laughing. "I mean, c'mon guys… that's not even a realistic excuse to get rid of Reuben! You two, loving each other?" She burst into another fit of giggles.

I looked uneasily down at my plate. "Haha, yeah, that's crazy…"

"Yep, insane…" Freddie agreed in a monotone.

We stayed at the restaurant for another hour, finishing our meals and just talking. My heart wasn't in it, though, for I was still in a daze from when Freddie put his arm around me. If only he did love me back…

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><p>I spent Sunday over at Carly's house, eating ribs and playing Violin Hero all day. As we were getting ready for bed (I was sleeping over), Carly turned to me. "Hey, don't you feel a little bad about lying to Reuben yesterday? You probably broke the poor kids heart!"<p>

I scoffed. "No! That little nub deserved it for stalking me!"

"Yeah, but I hope you realize that you and Freddie will have to act like a couple at school, at least around him." Said Carly.

Oh. Chiz. I felt my stomach knot up nervously. How am I gonna control my emotions?

I must've been staring off into space, for Carly waved her hand in front of me. "Sam? Sam! You okay?"

I blinked. "Uh, yeah, I'm fine."

"I know it's gonna be hard for you to pretend that you love Freddie-"

I looked down and mumbled, "It's not gonna be hard."

Carly stopped and stared at me. "What did you say?"

My eyes widen. "What? Nothing. What?"

She poked my stomach. "Nooo, you said that it's not gonna be hard! Sam! Why didn't you tell me that you loved him? I mean… all you do is beat Freddie up, how could you LOVE him?"

"Carly, I'm not you. I'm not good at expressing my feelings for boys, or anyone for that matter. Whenever I punched him, it was my way of showing affection. Once I started 'hating' him, I couldn't stop! He loved you, I didn't have a chance." I admitted.

Carly's face softened. "Oh, Sam! I'm sorry you felt that way… but Freddie obviously don't love me anymore, so you should go for it! I could get you guys together, if you want…" Carly said slyly.

"No no no!" I protested. "That's why I never told you, Carls! You always get involved and scheme!"

Carly looked offended. "I do not SCHEME! I just… help."

"Yeah, well, I don't need any help. Please stay out of it!" I begged.

"Fine," Carly sighed.

"I guess me and Freddie will have to act like a couple around Reuben, but act normal when he's gone," I said uneasily.

"Hopefully he believes it!" said Carly.

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><p>The next day Carly and I walked into the crowded hallways at 8:00. Freddie's head was buried in his locker, putting his nerd books away.<p>

"Hey, Freddie," Carly greeted.

"Hi," I said. When he heard my voice he slammed his head on the top of the locker.

"Oh, hey guys…" He mumbled, rubbing his head. Carly gave me a look.

"Have you seen Reuben?"

Freddie looked up to reply, then shut his mouth. He pointed a timid finger across the hall, where Reuben was whispering something in Gibby's ear while glaring at us.

"Crap!" I hissed. "Freddie, quick, put your arm around me!"

Freddie did as he was told, and just in time. Gibby and Reuben had waltzed over to our lockers.

Gibby gave us a strange look. "So, Reuben tells me that you guys are in love… is that true?"

I forced a smile. "Yup, it _sure _is!" Carly gave me a knowing look.

"Haha, yup, totally in love…" Freddie said nervously.

Reuben pouted. "B-but she was my raspberry soccer ball first! The snake is eating candy corn on Mars!"

I pried myself out of Freddie's grasp and raised my fist at Rueben. Just as I was about to sock him in the face, Mr. Howard passed by and saw me.

"Puckett, what do you think you're doing? No punching in the hallways!" He reprimanded.

I lowered my fist, glowering. "Sorry." I turned to Carly and Freddie and forced another smile. "I'll see you guys later…" And for good measure, I gave Freddie a kiss on the cheek. Reuben almost passed out.

**Carly's POV**

After Sam left and Gibby dragged Reuben away, I turned to Freddie, who was still touching the cheek Sam kissed in shock.

I know Sam doesn't want me to meddle, but… I can't help it! I have to do _something! _

"So, Freddie," I said nonchalantly. "You must hate having to pretend to love Sam…"

"Uh, yeah… it-it's tough." He sputtered.

"I'd be kind of worried, if I were you…" I hinted.

"Why?" He asked suspiciously.

"Well, both Reuben and Gibby are big blabber mouths. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole school knows by lunch."

Freddie's eyes widened. "You're right…"

"I guess you and Sam will have to be careful, everywhere you go someone could see you. You'll have to act like a couple at all times. But you won't mind, will you?"

"W-what do you mean I won't mind?"

"Freddie, I think it's pretty obvious that you're not pretending to like Sam. Why don't you ask her out for real?" I smiled. I knew I had him trapped now.

Freddie probably realized that there was no point hiding it anymore, so he let his walls come down. "Why would I do that? Sam would just break my arm!"

I stifled a giggle. "Or maybe she wouldn't…"

"Huh?"

I hope Sam doesn't kill me for this, but if the plan goes without interruption, then everything should turn out perfectly by the end.

I grabbed Freddie's arm and pulled him into a secluded corner. "Look, Freddie, I'm about to tell you something pretty shocking. You have to promise not to tell anybody!" I warned.

He nodded. "okay, what is it?"

"Well… Sam loves you." His eyes widen and his jaw dropped.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, she told me yesterday. But I think she's afraid to make the first move, so it's up to you. Now, I have a plan…"

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><p>-4th Period-<p>

As the bell signaling the start of 4th period rang, I ran into the classroom. I sat down in my usual spot next to Sam and took out my binder. However, I couldn't get rid of the nervous flutters in my stomach.

This was the period that me and Freddie would put my plan to action. I'm gonna text Sam at 11:00, telling her to go to the janitors closet at the end of the hallway. I'll tell her that I'm going after her and meet her there because I have to tell her something. But it won't be me she finds in there. I'll text Freddie when she leaves, and he'll go and tell her his feelings.

Class was pretty awkward, for Reuben kept turning around in his seat and glaring at Sam, who glared back. It was quite entertaining.

When the clock hit 11, I pulled out my phone under my desk and sent Sam the text. I got the reply a moment later, and she asked to go to her locker and left. I waited a moment, then texted Freddie.

Now all I have to do is wait.

**Sam's POV**

As I walked down the hall towards the closet, I wondered what Carly had to tell me that was so important. It's not like her to text and sneak out of class!

I reached the closet and made sure the hallway was empty before slipping into it. Once I was safe inside, I texted Carly, telling her that I made it. She replied saying that she would be there in a minute.

I felt around the dark closet, trying to find a light switch, but there wasn't any. I guess I'll just have to use my phone for light.

I sat down on a bucket and played with the hair band I kept around my wrist. Then the door creaked open and a figure walked inside.

"Carly?" I stood up and lifted my phone's screen up to the figure, and it was definitely NOT Carly. "Freddie?" I gasped. "What are you doing here?"

I felt my stomach start to knot. Did Carly plan this? I'm gonna kill her…

Freddie just stood there looking at me. "What?" I asked. "Do I have something on my face?"

All of a sudden, Freddie grabbed my waist and pulled me towards him. "Wha-" Before I could ask what he was doing, his lips crashed onto mine.

Is this a dream? This must be a dream… I slowly put my hands on his shoulders and kissed back.

Am I in heaven? I must be in heaven… this is too good to be true… I felt myself go weak in the knees, and Freddie let go.

He gave me his signature grin and looked down sheepishly. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that…"

"You have no idea how long I've wanted you do that either…" I smiled. "Let me guess. Carly set this up?"

"Yeah, she figured out that I was in love with you and told me that I need to make the first move, so… I did. When you said that you loved me at the restaurant on Saturday, I thought that you were telling the truth, so I got all excited. But then I realized that you were doing it to get rid of Reuben, who I got very jealous of, by the way. Today when I had to pretend to be your boyfriend in front of that nub, I was dying inside knowing that it wasn't real…" He chuckled. "I would've never had the strength to tell you this if Carly didn't tell me that you already loved me back."

I narrowed my eyes. "She told? Ugh, that's why I never told her in the first place!" I felt an idea start to form in my head. "What if we get her back?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why don't we do Carly a favor and set her up with Reuben?" I said mischievously.

Freddie laughed. "Good idea!"

Freddie and I left the closet hand in hand; ready to put our plan to action. Carly Shay's about to get a taste of her own medicine, for nobody messes with Sam and gets away with it.

FIN

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><p><strong>AN: Ehhh, I don't really like this chapter… I couldn't figure out how to end it!**

**Reviews are greatly appreciated! They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :)**


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